IN THE FOUR YEARS-AGO SUNSHINE

Facebook has this habit of reminding you of old posts and memories, and while the alogorithms often may feed you memories that are rather random ("Oh look, I shared this meme two years ago!") they sometimes do manage to remind you of events that makes you go 'aaaaw'. Some time ago a picture popped up in my feed of me and a growing bump while on vacation in Tenerife four years ago. It's strange that that actually was  that long ago already, but on the other hand it could as well have been twenty years ago. I think most memories turn "timeless" after a while.

As the weather - apart from some really nice and spring-like sunshine yesterday- has been rather grey, foggy and gloomy fro quite some time already I took a look back at the sunshine four years ago. (A lot of pictures that however never really turned into a blog post back then.) We flew to Tenerife with Eddi and the boys as well as my sister and her husband (or, fiancé by then), leased a small house in one of the more quiet areas. An idea we came up with on a rainy day in the archipelago the summer before. I haven't been on vacation anywhere warm since then (or on vacation anywhere at all, actually) and, well, wouldn't say no if the chance came up!

I almost forgot how short I had my hair back then!

 And haha oh my, I remember thinking my belly was sooo big then already...
Well, it would turn twice the size after that and the fella who came out of there is so big by now it's a bit weird, how times go.

OCTOBER; 33, THE EIGHT YEAR AND THE SECOND ONE

Arrived home after a fabulous and work-filled weekend in Turku (of which you can see an ultra quick  fun time-lapse vide of on vimeo, by Tuomas) just in time to catch all the lovely colours of autumn - last year I missed it, as the leaves fell of quickly, and I was in Stockholm performing during those short days of excessive colour.

Dag and I had to go out on a mission immediately as some of the lams had decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence rather literally, and for some reason also on the road. So we chased them back much to Dag's excitement. 

He is wearing a Mickey Mouse-coat that both me and my sisters have worn when we were kids, that we got from our cousins who were a few years older than us. There was one in about every size and this is the first one. Dag finds it very fancy.

Lambs trying to camouflage themselves.

Last weekend, on Saturday, it was also my 33th birthday. I rarely celebrate mine; last time was when K and I threw our very fabulous True Blood feast when we turned 30. Usually I have been at work on my birthdays as a grown up, first in the harbour (where one tended to spend the whole day as shifts are long), now on stage. This year was no different!

As those of you who have hanged around here for a longer time know, my blog also gets a year older along with me - so we are entering our eight year here now. That is a long time I tell you!
If someone ever wondered about the rather imbecile but catchy name of my blog it has been explained here on a few occasions back in the days but we can do it one more time; the idea of a blog was born way before it actuallystarted, when blogging looked a bit different that now. I had just found fashion blogs that consisted of outfits and outfits only, and I found them both inspiring and a bit silly at the same time. So The Freelancer's Fashion Blog was an ironic idea -  I have always had a big wardrobe, but from time to time (a lot like now) I haven't really been able to use it properly. Back then in 2006 and -07, when thinking about blogging, I had finished my studies and worked with freelance graphic design as well as in the harbour. So I was basically working most of the time (like now, but in a different matter) and felt that I mainly was wearing black tights or leggings (or underwear) and a black t-shirt or a top, when in front of my computer or under my workwear. What people who work from home often look like... And I thought about how that would make it in a fashion blog, different versions of something that looks just the same. Well, that blog never happened. When my blog then started it was all about drawithe outfits though and staying incognito -it took until March the next year until I posted a photo of myself - and as with most blogs this one slowly developed into something more personal.

This was that very first photo, from many years back.

Speaking of outfits, there is of course a reason why I have been walking around mainly in stretchy wear and sneaky yoga pants, other than the one that I am always running from workouts to rehearsals and classes nowadays- I got pregnant again! And unlike the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage this summer, when I had felt strangely well when I thought back on it, I this time felt bad and swollen,  just like I had with Dag, feeling like I was hungover for two months. Until week seven was over I was a bit scared every time I went to the toilet that I would see blood, and was reliefed when I passed the weeks of the previous miscarriage. I had my first prenatal appointment and had all future ultras and appointments set now, as is the custom. But, even though I am lucky enough to get pregnant easily - so far always on the first try, I am apparently not as lucky after that. Last Friday, the day before my 33rd birthday, I had an ultra sound and found out I had had a so called missed abortion; the foetus had died a few weeks earlier. Well, I could almost see it right away - the baby in the monitor looked too small for it's weeks, although I kept thinking that perhaps they always grow miraculously just the week after this. But I moved my face from the screen to the doctor's face and saw he looked serious and then he told me he could not see a heart beat. As the first miscarriage came rather slowly I had time to let it sink in and it was an event that made me disappointed and frustrated, but this was totally different. I couldn't imagine it could go wrong a second time because everything had felt so normal!  Not now, not this one! I was rather shocked. Not just because of the loss of the  baby-to-be, but because of how much we already had planned with everything else around the fact we would have a baby in April; jobs, life, arrangements. It's because I was looking at maternity dresses onine already. I shouldn't have! Everything had been just right, damnit! But it wasn't.

I had a lot of things to take care of during that day, which was awful to go trough, and I skipped out on some because I was so tired and just wanted to lie in bed. My body still felt pregnant, swollen and nauseous, and I was distressed over the fact that it was not over totally yet, but I would still have to abort it during the week to come. The thought of the pain that might bring, and all the arrangements around that felt the worst for the moment. I would have to call lots of places and re-arrange meetings and cancel classes and tell them I had the flue or something because you don't tell people you lost a pregnancy. You could, but you don't, because they will get uncomfortable. Too much info, stick to the flue.

As Scandinavia is ruled by the Jante -law (the 'don't think you're any special'-one, which in cases like this translates to: don't think your pain is any worse than anyone else's), and as I've grown up in a society that looks down on self-pity (well, don't they all?) and go by the mentality that one should shut the fuck up and quit whining, I thought it was best to do so. And as everyone keeps telling you: it is very common and it happens a lot. So it is. I had a lot to do during the weekend too; had to perform and hold a workshop and first the thought of all that felt rather horrifying. But it actually helped to be busy and around people and kept my mind off the fact there was a little dead beginning of a human lying inside of me. On Monday I went to the hospital and got the pills to empty the womb and so today this second one was over with less physical pain than I had expected. (For the record, for those who might read this in a similar situation: they gave me Cytotec, which is what they use over here pretty much as the only option, a drug I have had once before -I presume- many years ago for a similar reason and that was a very painful experience. Well at least I was prepared for what the beginning of labour would feel like when the day that came. The almighty internet is also full of mainly horror stories on said drug, as you see I of course googled a lot waiting in horror for it to kick in, but let it be said here for those who have an interest in this: This time I was stocked up with strong painkillers and it was not all that bad, by evening the medicine had done it's job. So it worked for me.)

As I wrote about the first miscarriage I thought it would be strange not to mention this second one. And, as I said the last time, when you have some sort of situation going on, you google all you can find about it, and then you google some more. (I always search in three languages to get as much out of it as possible). You want to and need to read about it. There is always someone out there who feels better reading about things like this, because of how one can relate, even though this story here is not one of those miracle stories where there was still a living twin inside!  (which will only give you false hope, because you know, there seldom is).

But it is still a bit odd, how we are not really supposed to mention miscarriage, and are not supposed to feel bad about it either. It is something of a taboo. With a friend who was, and luckily still is, as many weeks pregnant as I was, we talked about how you usually feel your worst and weirdest in the beginning of pregnancy but you are not supposed to talk about it because things can go wrong , and then if they do go wrong and you feel terrible you can't talk about it either because no one knew about it and you know, it does happen all the time.

So, no use of dwelling on things one can not change! I have a lot of work and projects that I will concentrate on the rest of this year, and also on the wonderful little fella in the Mickey Mouse coat that I shall snuggle up!
And come the weekend, I will drink some wine, oh yes.

EXPECTATIONS, BABIES, PLANS AND THE WAY LIFE SOMETIMES GOES

Things don’t always go according to plan but then again that is the way life is!

We managed to get a picture of us sisters, all pregnant equal months apart!
It was a fun situation,  the three of us expecting at the same time and I was not sure if we’d manage to meet up before my sister gave birth. But some time ago we did! We took a photo of us, and I am happy we did and like it,  although we were not long in that state together. Our triple-pregnancy did not end by a delivery however, but by me miscarrying.

Miscarriage is not something that you talk that much about (over here); many don't want to talk about it, for personal reasons of course, ever say they have had one, some somehow take it as a failure. In general it is seldom mentioned when happened, like it's considered a) too painful and b) not to be seen as too big of a thing as it is rather common in the end. So I though I wouldn't post about this after all, but then again why not, shit happens, and sometimes you get to read about it. The internet however is full of forums discussing the matter (well, it is after all the internet...), and if you are going through, or have had one it's both comforting and terrifying to read those stories. Reading personal stories and not just clinical facts was supporting in some ways- my miscarriage came slowly and without pain at first so it took me a few hopeful days of what if’s before it became inevitably clear to me that it was over. I almost wished for the elevators of The Shining, so I could have known right away, instead of being in a state of not being sure (no one will take you in for a check up if you are not very ill) for days. I was still only in my first trimester and I know it is very common for things to go wrong and you are always taught to be prepared for the worst, which I was. But it is still sad and disappointing anyway. Then again I have had a friend lose her baby half way trough pregnancy and I know people who have had stillborn children. A good friend is battling cancer and children die by the hour in Gaza, for example. And I had an easy pregnancy that resulted in one healthy very happy child that I got to hold right away after he was born. So; I am still to be considered lucky! But while it is good to compare your worries with the rest of the world's in order to get some of that perspective it is also okay for you to put it all into context to your own life; it is okay to feel bad about your own sorrows even though others may have it worse. It is common to lose a pregnancy but it does not happen to everyone. Well, this time it happened to me; us. And I know many who will read this can relate, so that's why it made it here in the end.

In most cases I have always been very forward looking and trying not to dwell on things I can’t do anything about, and I had many days to process this as it went on. Life goes on, it went on already and there will be new chances. Now it almost feels like I was never pregnant again.

And, early last morning it was time for a new person to enter this world (and I got a new title at the same time)- I became an aunt as my sister gave birth to a little boy! It will be so exciting to get to meet him and for Dag to see his little cousin too!

BUTTERFLY DRESS, APRON

This dress has been hanging around the clothes rack for some time (it's a Trashy Diva day dress from some years back) - lots of the items I have been hard to wear due to nursing, but now that Dag is older I am cutting down on the breast feeding which gives me a lot of my wardrobe back. (Plus it's amazing what you can manage squeeze your boobs out of anyway, come the need.)

But, fine dresses and small children. As all of you know I have a little one at home and so I have also had the question of how I dare to wear my dresses around the house and all it's kiddy-goo?

Well, first of all - cothes are made to be worn and my biggest complaint here seem to be the one that I don't manage to do so; wear all of the items I collect. But second, I'm not totally impractical and vain in the sense that I don't wear my 100e+ dresses that much around the house, unless I am going somewhere or in between destinations. But, when I do, there's a very simple solution: aprons. Which actually have been made to protect our clothes and are also meant to be worn and not just hang in the cupboard (something I realizes at one point when opening up that cupboard). So, up with the hair, on with the apron, and one with the mess!

To demonstrate this is a photo that my camera suitably just happened to snap of an actual totally not-staged kitchen cleaning situation.

WELL YES,

I am most definitely the kind of person to have my shoes match the baby pram perfectly.

These are by Clarks (and so comfy I can walk around in them all day and carry babies and bags and so on; beats any flats) and the dress is Marimekko, which I got when i was very very pregnant. It's easy and quite casual to wear loose and belted like this but I am thinking of putting some creases in for a better fit, making the stitches loose so they can easily be undone (will the need ever come for the dress to be huge again).

MY KIND OF SWEAT PANTS

Black beret week part one;

Eddi is away on the other side of the world for a couple of weeks, I have some commissions to work on, a couple of workshops to keep and Dag is getting some more teeht. But no problem,  I will just clone myself times four and things should be alright.

Oh.

But that means this will be the black beret -or other head-gear weeks, covering a messy head with that thrustworthy piece of cloth for a less on-the-verge-of-a-burnout look. That, and some lipstick and I'm good to go!

 Sometimes people ask how to manage -or rather why-  to take care of oneself (as in dress up, wear make up, fix the hair) with a baby but I don't really get the question, only partly. Yes, in some terms style may alter a bit along with parenthood, but why let go of your personal style completely? If I'm going somewhere it's just as big an effort for me to get up and put on a dress as it would be to put on a pair of sweat pants or pull a plastic bag on me. And flapping on that beret and a quick go with what's inside my make up bag takes no longer than five minutes, one if I have to, with Dag by my side. Or, given the opportunity, it can of course take as long as it has to. In any case it's not something you have to defend.

Related to that I have to point out how great this dress, along wiht the Jeannie dress in the same material, I got from Trashy Diva last fall have been. Trashy Diva is on the more expensive side for some, but in this case it was especially oh so worth it; the fabric is thick and good looking -a jersey knit- while still soft and stretchy. It's like wearing a sweat pants in dress form! That also happen to look good. Because dresses or no dresses, I almost never wear anything during the day that is not comfy. If you can combine comfy and style you have yourself a winner.

3 ½. 8 ½. 12 ½

 A little over a year ago we found out Dag was on his way! Time flies.

THE BLACK ALL-ROUND DRESS

Bachér Bachér Bachér Bachér.
You know, the scene from Being John Malkovich.

Well, anyway, I got myself a versatile comfy dress. It's quite ideal for nursing. I also wish I'd had it while I was still carrying. Well, the next time...
It was originally floor-length, which was very pretty but I tried to be rational and thus cut it off; footlong clothing is not easy to wear outside the walls of home. At least for me.

The dress is from ebay.

VICTORY!

 Remember this dress?
Most of you won't as it hasn't actually been around for real...


But it's this one! The vintage one I bought in advance, just a few days before Dag was born, that I just had to try on a little right ahead (and posted these haha-funny pics of on my facebook page).



Some weeks after labour we were going somewhere and I was eager to wear just any of my dresses. We were in a hurry and I wanted to finally be able to go for this one but it wouldn't fit me at all, in fact I even broke a seam when trying it on. That's when I realized that my old wardrobe which I had been waiting for for nine months would have to wait a long while still. Very frustrating. I actually thought I would never, ever, be able to wear this dress.



But now only a couple of months later it fits me, yey!
Although it's matching belt will need a few more months still, or maybe rather a corset...

The dress is from Vintage Ansa. I always wanted a candy stripe shirtwaist dress. Although this is not really candy striped when you look up close; it has black pattern inside the striped. But I'll save that for some other post.

MAMMA ♥ DAG ♥ MAMMA

ANOTER SKIRT, A SUN TOP AND SOME FUCK UPS

 I made myself another "post-pregnancy" skirt!

And a nursing sun top, with the same system as the sailorette dress,  to go along.

Although, I actually fucked up quite a bit - I was in a hurry (you know, had to get it done before some little person next to me decided to wake up and call on titty time) and just cut the pieces without any real measuring. So of course the top got real tight and ended up showin snippets of the bra.

So I guess I just have to redo it.

Also, did some strange mis-calculations with the skirt which did not really become that much of a post-pregnancy skirt, no elastic waist, as it got too small to fit over my arse hip. And instead of putting a zipper in I did a lot of weird stuff and additions to be able to wear it.

But oh well, that's the way it is sometimes. You can't always win now can you.
But at least my skirt has pockets, you know, making things a little better.

Furthermore, it suddenly got real cold today so I might not need a sun top anymore.

Not sure weather that should be counted as positive or negative thinking?

(If interested, my belt is Vivien of Holloway, bangle vintage, the shoes very very old and my hair is, well yes thank you, fabulous - but only half of it my own.)

THE 'NOTHING TO WEAR' ISSUE

Everyone says it at some point (at least those in the part of the world that can recognize themselves when it comes to first world problems...), you know: I have nothing to wear!

Although seldom being totally true, sometimes the issue is more relevant than normally. I rightfully (well, sort of) posted about it last autumn when I was pregnant (although you did not know it then yet); back then I still fit my clothes but they did not feel good on as I felt bad and was swollen. But now it really is for real: breastfeeding leaves a lot of things out and in any case I still have 15cm to loose from my waist before the main part of my regular wardrobe will suit me again. (That's however already two cm less than last week so yes, eventually I will be strutting around in my Trashy Divas and the other pretty dresses again. Not this summer though.) So I really do have very little to wear for the moment...

I'm trying to make use of those moments baby Dag sleeps - sometimes less, sometimes more; he mostly eats- and make me something fast, easy and suitable to wear: circle skirts.



So, here we have us some skirts-to-be plus sleeping baby in the background. Eddi called them trendy hipster-fabrics but I more sensed them as fifties styled ethnic inspired. Well, we'll se.

IN VINTAGE BLUE & A TINY SAILOR

 Hello there!

Here we are on our way to a party!

My dress is vintage (once again relying on a shirt dress) and Dag's sailor hat is so big it actually makes him look more like a miniature chef.

THE SECOND CHALLENGE

Wohoo, an outfit.
The skirt is from Lindex, it's the stretchy one that I wore a lot during my early and mid pregnancy. The top is Tara Starlet and the belt (which is a bit hard to see as it has sunk in between the squish) is Vivien of Holloway.

Anyway. I'm going to tell you two things - many commented on the fact that I "still had the strenght to make an effort and dress up" while I was pregnant. Or now with the baby. And what I'm going to tell you first is this: it takes the same effort to put on a plastic bag, something nice or a pair of leisure pants. In which most of the cases I'd go for the "something nice". As you may remember, I often point out that nice can also be comfy! Most of my clothing is rather comfy actually. (The pieces that are not, are the ones I wear more seldom, you know, special occasions. And yes, it is of course also a matter of what you are used to and prefer.)Also, if you're not sure weather you are feeling that nice yourself it's certainly not going to make you feel worse by wearing something pretty rather than just whatever.

I actually enjoyed getting dressed during those nine months since it became something of a challenge to come up with what to wear; my body was changing and growing all the time which kept the challenge going. I wasn't sure in the beginning how it would be later on, but it was rather fun all the way until the end.

Now it's yet another challenge to find items to wear. Items to fit in as well as items that will work while breast feeding. And I have to say, it's a bit less nice of a challenge, as this time my body is not changing in the same sense that I'm expecting something big to happen - I'm just waiting for things to get "back to normal". Neiher is it any fun now to buy new items as I'm just hoping to start wearing my "real" clothing again. However, the second thing I was going to tell you is that even though I may sound a bit cracked up about this, I'm not! It's merely three weeks since I gave birth and I've only been up from bed for about five days, so I'm not really taking any stress about anything bodywize. (Yet, hehe. )
It just comes up when talking about clothing, that's all.
Toodely-doo!

A FEW MINUTES IN THE SUNSHINE

Today I got dressed and spent a little while outside before heading back up to my headquarters: the bed.
Funny how those gathered pregnancy kilos didn't really show when I was expecting, but now they're all over the place! Dag drinks a lot so I'm hoping he'll just suck it all out of me. But until then, here's where wrap around skirts come in handy.

There are two things* in this picture that I've managed to grow: apart from the obvious, my baby , also the aspiring sunflower in the pot in the background.

My skirt is vintage and blouse from Tara Starlet. Dag's cute little suspender romper is also vintage. Not that you can see that much of it or that it matters in any case but I just added it once I was at it.

OK, three;  my behind :) I just had to add that once as I was at that too.