Wednesday, 8 October 2014


Arrived home after a fabulous and work-filled weekend in Turku (of which you can see an ultra quick  fun time-lapse vide of on vimeo, by Tuomas) just in time to catch all the lovely colours of autumn - last year I missed it, as the leaves fell of quickly, and I was in Stockholm performing during those short days of excessive colour.

Dag and I had to go out on a mission immediately as some of the lams had decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence rather literally, and for some reason also on the road. So we chased them back much to Dag's excitement. 

He is wearing a Mickey Mouse-coat that both me and my sisters have worn when we were kids, that we got from our cousins who were a few years older than us. There was one in about every size and this is the first one. Dag finds it very fancy.

Lambs trying to camouflage themselves.

Last weekend, on Saturday, it was also my 33th birthday. I rarely celebrate mine; last time was when K and I threw our very fabulous True Blood feast when we turned 30. Usually I have been at work on my birthdays as a grown up, first in the harbour (where one tended to spend the whole day as shifts are long), now on stage. This year was no different!

As those of you who have hanged around here for a longer time know, my blog also gets a year older along with me - so we are entering our eight year here now. That is a long time I tell you!
If someone ever wondered about the rather imbecile but catchy name of my blog it has been explained here on a few occasions back in the days but we can do it one more time; the idea of a blog was born way before it actuallystarted, when blogging looked a bit different that now. I had just found fashion blogs that consisted of outfits and outfits only, and I found them both inspiring and a bit silly at the same time. So The Freelancer's Fashion Blog was an ironic idea -  I have always had a big wardrobe, but from time to time (a lot like now) I haven't really been able to use it properly. Back then in 2006 and -07, when thinking about blogging, I had finished my studies and worked with freelance graphic design as well as in the harbour. So I was basically working most of the time (like now, but in a different matter) and felt that I mainly was wearing black tights or leggings (or underwear) and a black t-shirt or a top, when in front of my computer or under my workwear. What people who work from home often look like... And I thought about how that would make it in a fashion blog, different versions of something that looks just the same. Well, that blog never happened. When my blog then started it was all about drawithe outfits though and staying incognito -it took until March the next year until I posted a photo of myself - and as with most blogs this one slowly developed into something more personal.

This was that very first photo, from many years back.

Speaking of outfits, there is of course a reason why I have been walking around mainly in stretchy wear and sneaky yoga pants, other than the one that I am always running from workouts to rehearsals and classes nowadays- I got pregnant again! And unlike the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage this summer, when I had felt strangely well when I thought back on it, I this time felt bad and swollen,  just like I had with Dag, feeling like I was hungover for two months. Until week seven was over I was a bit scared every time I went to the toilet that I would see blood, and was reliefed when I passed the weeks of the previous miscarriage. I had my first prenatal appointment and had all future ultras and appointments set now, as is the custom. But, even though I am lucky enough to get pregnant easily - so far always on the first try, I am apparently not as lucky after that. Last Friday, the day before my 33rd birthday, I had an ultra sound and found out I had had a so called missed abortion; the foetus had died a few weeks earlier. Well, I could almost see it right away - the baby in the monitor looked too small for it's weeks, although I kept thinking that perhaps they always grow miraculously just the week after this. But I moved my face from the screen to the doctor's face and saw he looked serious and then he told me he could not see a heart beat. As the first miscarriage came rather slowly I had time to let it sink in and it was an event that made me disappointed and frustrated, but this was totally different. I couldn't imagine it could go wrong a second time because everything had felt so normal!  Not now, not this one! I was rather shocked. Not just because of the loss of the  baby-to-be, but because of how much we already had planned with everything else around the fact we would have a baby in April; jobs, life, arrangements. It's because I was looking at maternity dresses onine already. I shouldn't have! Everything had been just right, damnit! But it wasn't.

I had a lot of things to take care of during that day, which was awful to go trough, and I skipped out on some because I was so tired and just wanted to lie in bed. My body still felt pregnant, swollen and nauseous, and I was distressed over the fact that it was not over totally yet, but I would still have to abort it during the week to come. The thought of the pain that might bring, and all the arrangements around that felt the worst for the moment. I would have to call lots of places and re-arrange meetings and cancel classes and tell them I had the flue or something because you don't tell people you lost a pregnancy. You could, but you don't, because they will get uncomfortable. Too much info, stick to the flue.

As Scandinavia is ruled by the Jante -law (the 'don't think you're any special'-one, which in cases like this translates to: don't think your pain is any worse than anyone else's), and as I've grown up in a society that looks down on self-pity (well, don't they all?) and go by the mentality that one should shut the fuck up and quit whining, I thought it was best to do so. And as everyone keeps telling you: it is very common and it happens a lot. So it is. I had a lot to do during the weekend too; had to perform and hold a workshop and first the thought of all that felt rather horrifying. But it actually helped to be busy and around people and kept my mind off the fact there was a little dead beginning of a human lying inside of me. On Monday I went to the hospital and got the pills to empty the womb and so today this second one was over with less physical pain than I had expected. (For the record, for those who might read this in a similar situation: they gave me Cytotec, which is what they use over here pretty much as the only option, a drug I have had once before -I presume- many years ago for a similar reason and that was a very painful experience. Well at least I was prepared for what the beginning of labour would feel like when the day that came. The almighty internet is also full of mainly horror stories on said drug, as you see I of course googled a lot waiting in horror for it to kick in, but let it be said here for those who have an interest in this: This time I was stocked up with strong painkillers and it was not all that bad, by evening the medicine had done it's job. So it worked for me.)

As I wrote about the first miscarriage I thought it would be strange not to mention this second one. And, as I said the last time, when you have some sort of situation going on, you google all you can find about it, and then you google some more. (I always search in three languages to get as much out of it as possible). You want to and need to read about it. There is always someone out there who feels better reading about things like this, because of how one can relate, even though this story here is not one of those miracle stories where there was still a living twin inside!  (which will only give you false hope, because you know, there seldom is).

But it is still a bit odd, how we are not really supposed to mention miscarriage, and are not supposed to feel bad about it either. It is something of a taboo. With a friend who was, and luckily still is, as many weeks pregnant as I was, we talked about how you usually feel your worst and weirdest in the beginning of pregnancy but you are not supposed to talk about it because things can go wrong , and then if they do go wrong and you feel terrible you can't talk about it either because no one knew about it and you know, it does happen all the time.

So, no use of dwelling on things one can not change! I have a lot of work and projects that I will concentrate on the rest of this year, and also on the wonderful little fella in the Mickey Mouse coat that I shall snuggle up!
And come the weekend, I will drink some wine, oh yes.


Megan said...

I'm so sorry to read that you've had to go through a miscarriage again. I've never been pregnant, so I can't empathize in the same way as someone else who has experienced this, but I lost my mother rather suddenly when I was a young woman. I so appreciate your reflections on not being able to talk about your pregnancy, early on and then again if/when you miscarriage, which not only disallows the ability to grieve, process, and receive comfort, but also stops us from knowing that it is a rather common and shared experience. When my mother died, it was so difficult for me that no one talked about it; like she didn't matter, that my loss didn't matter, that it wasn't a big deal. But loss is a big deal, and it does matter, and you sharing your experience helps us all affirm the realities of grief and loss. Thank you for being so courageous in sharing your experience(s) with us, for sharing something personal, publicly, and for your keen observations in how we can better support one another. I wish you the best, and send you warm thoughts of comfort and healing.

Malayka said...

Wow I haven't commented here (or anywhere that matter) in a loooong time! So in order of how you wrote this post,
- Happy Birthday! Is it just be or does it seem that the older we get the less important big celebrations are? I always prefer to make mine a quiet affair anyway.
- Congratulations! Wow eight years of blogging is impressive. Yours was the first blog I ever started following. In fact I don't think I actually knew what one was by then. But I had always followed your journey with great envy! These days I don;'t really have time to sit down and read blogs anymore, but every now and then I should poke my head in.
- I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. How totally devastating (especially the second one) and you're right, it's something that happens to so many people and nobody ever talks about it. We are just at a point where we're thinking about number two, and I have to be honest there are a lot of aspects about it that freak me out. On a slightly different note, how's this for crazy... my best friend is 33 weeks pregnant and the midwife felt like something wasn't quite right with the baby. It turns out that she's having twins! Imagine only finding out near the end of your pregnancy!
Anyway I hope all goes well for you from now on in. At least you have one amazing, healthy little guy. xx

Lil said...

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I am writing this with love and the intention to help, as I researched a lot in this area. Unfortunately, very few people aware of that microwave radiation from WiFi(and other wireless devices) can cause miscarriage, DNA damage, and other health issues. Try to get wired internet (you still have to disable the WiFi function in your laptop at the same time), or when WiFi necessary, shield your lower abdomen.You can learn a lot from Barrie Trower, check him on youtube. xxx

Elina said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and hope all the best things for you and your family. And miscarriages really are something women (and men, too!) should talk more about. I've told about my earlier miscarriage only now that I'm visibly pregnant, as if there would be some black magic in that letting people know you're trying to concieve it just doesn't happen. But now I've been open about that we've been hoping for a baby for some time and there have been disappointments on the way.

GinCherry said...

Believe it or not, but few days ago I was thinking about you and whether or not you're a having another baby. Sorry to hear about your loss. Hope next time everything will be ok xxx

Unknown said...

First Happy Birthday to you and your blog! Second, I am very sorry for your loss. As I think I commented on previous post about miscarriage, I have had 2 of them and ectopic pregnancy which caused a loss of one of my fallopian tubes. For me as soon as I have known that I am pregnant it is instant feeling of falling in love with the little life I was growing inside. Miscarriage to me has always been a loss of a loved one and I have mourn. A lot. In England the miscarriage association have done some quite visible campaings about the experience of losing little one early in pregnancy and something similar should be done in Finland too. I hate how it is still a taboo somehow and you are not to suppose to talk about it. Rubbish! I am glad that strong women like you do talk about it here in the blog world :)
Wishing you all the best for the autumn <3

vampee said...

First off, let me express my condolences for your lost baby. I too had a missed miscarriage. My fiance and I were not planning but not preventing a pregnancy. What would be would be. At first, I was so scared. I was in school, were we many thoughts. But then I became excited, looking at maternity clothing, baby items, even names and then at my next Dr's appointment we were told the baby had died. I had to have a hospital stay as well as a DNC because of a predisposed blood clotting factor. Needless to say, we mourned our little unborn baby. It is not something that many talk about nor understand. It was only a few months, but it still hurt. So, I am very sorry for your loss. But on a happier note, congratulations for 8 years! And a very happy birthday and yes, go snuggle that little boy some more. :)

Astrid said...

Happy birthday and happy birthday to your blog.
I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You are right, we never hear about miscarriages, because we are not supposed to talk about them.
And even when you have a healthy pregnancy - you are still not supposed to be talking about how misarable it can be to be pregnant. You are supposed to be happy that you are pregnant and not complain too much. That's how I experience it here in Denmark.
I hope you'll stick around for 8 more years. I just started following and I really like your posts.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry for your loss..
That sucks, big time!

It's difficult to express myself without it coming across the wrong way, but I will try..
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years. And it looks like I can't conceive. At his point, I would almost welcome a miscarriage (I know it sounds awful! I'm sorry!), just so I know I can at least get pregnant (one of those things we are not "supposed" to talk about, and it sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down! It is not meant to belittle your feelings in any way! I guess it describes my desperation if anything.. ).

I've found that if we even talk about these things, you either get horror stories (don't ever look on the internet, ever again), stupid, belittling comments ("are you and your husband having sex? You know you need to have sex to make a baby" or "I conceived just by looking at my husband!" or "You should just relax, don't think about it, than it will happen" and, of course: "Why don't you just adopt?"), or people make you feel like you are in some sort of competition. Who has the saddest story to tell, or who conceived the quickest.
But that is not the point.
It's not a competition, my pain takes nothing away from your pain. My sadness doesn't take anything away from any happiness I feel for someone who tells me they are pregnant/just had a baby. (Okay, I might feel a bit sorry for myself for a second, but I definitely know how much people want and love a baby, so I am incredibly happy for them! Maybe even more so than before we were trying to have a baby! And their baby was never meant to be my baby, if that makes any sense..)

In these two years I have lost some of my best friends, and I learned to stop talking about it. People just don't want to hear sad things. And if you do talk about it, you better end the story with an uplifting part. Don't end on a bad note! (is this a thing everybody does, or is it mainly women?) But sometimes a situation just sucks! There is no uplifting part, yes, there will be, at some point, but not right now.
My family doesn't know we are even trying, because I will never hear the end of it.
Because I am now 36, most people I meet for the first time just assume I don't want any kids, and I just don't correct them any more.
It makes it a pretty lonely world sometimes..

It has thought me to assume less, listen more.
It's made me more careful in what I say, you never know what is going on in peoples lives, and sometimes assumptions we make (and blurt out) can actually be really painful for the other person.
(See: uplifting part! (sort of))

Wow, that was depressing (and long!)! I didn't mean for it to be, I guess your story moved me..

Wishing you lots of love and all the best in your future!
Big hug!!
(aka OldeSarah)

Dawn said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for such an honest and open post.

Porcelina said...

Oh Ulrika, I am so sorry that you've had a second loss this year, that's really awful. My thoughts are with you, and I wish you a speedy recovery. A friend of mine had a miscarriage earlier this year, and I know how hard it was for her.

On a happier note, I wish you a happy birthday, for yourself and your blog, and hope that you do indeed have some nice wine this weekend. I'll have some too, and raise a glass to your health and happiness.
Porcelina x

Kelly said...

Oh no :( I'm really sorry to hear this happened again. One of my good friends had a similar loss this year and it was her "due date" a couple of days ago. It's very hard not to make all those plans once you're past the 12 week period of silence. I just can't even imagine how traumatic the short time between finding out and "giving birth" must be. My thoughts are with you for a swift time of healing xx

Liz said...

Sorry to hear you lost your baby, again. Wishing you the best.

Jana B said...

So sorry for your loss. Sending you big hugs and positive vibes from New Mexico.

Unknown said...

I never leave comments but I had to today. I follow your blog, inspired by its creativity. Today, I'm inspired by how brave you are in your outlook and in sharing your story. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. And thank you for writing about this subject so bravely. Big squashes to your small boy, I hope the best for you very much.

Anonymous said...

I have followed your blog for several years and find it very inspiring. Congrats on year eight!
I also had a missed abortion a month ago when I was ten weeks pregnant. I had an operation though. I also told nobody as no one knew I was pregnant. It's really strange.
I hope for both you and me that next time everything shall be ok!

Anonymous said...

Hey Ulrika,

a few days ago, I was thinking "it's been a long time (understand 3 days :p) I haven't checked on my favorite blog... And if she was pregnant again?".
I was so sorry to read that you had to go through this loss again...It is true that this is something nobody is talking about, of if one does, empathy isn't always there...
Sentences like "you will have another baby" or "you already have a beautiful son" don't help, you just need to process this loss and to keep in someplace the memory of this baby.
I am sorry I'm so akward (french lady speaking here!!)
I send you love from France and wish you all the best, with good wine, good music and lots of glitter (can I had a unicorn?)

Amielia said...

I have been with your blog from the start - i am sorry for your loss. - love from Ireland

Mademoiselle Balai said...

So sorry for you.. My sincere condoleances.
Lots of love from the Netherlands

Vaula said...

Olen valtavan pahoillani menetyksestäsi. Samalla haluan kiittää sinua poikkeuksellisen rohkeasta ja avoimesta kirjoituksestasi ja toivon, että olisin saanut lukea sen jo silloin, kun itse kärsin toistuvista keskenmenoista. Juuri tuo, että niiitä tapahtuu kaikille, mutta kukan ei kuitenkaan sano ääneen, että juuri minulle kävi niin. Tai sanoo vasta sitten, kun joku on uskaltanut ensin kertoa omasta menetyksestään.

Toivottavasti saatte kokea vielä uuden onnistuneen raskauden !

mads said...

Jag kommenterar sällan, men det här var så fint och bra och klokt skrivet - vilket det alltid är, men det här slog an något i mig. Det är märkligt att man sällan pratar om något som är så vanligt som missfall. Därför blir jag så glad (tokigt ordval kanske, "upplyft" kanske är bättre?) över att du berättar om det. Det är skit, och skit händer. Och jag förstår kluvenheten: man vill ju verkligen berätta för folk om det, samtidigt som man inte vill att någon ska känna sig dum, och då låtsas man hellre ha maginfluensa. Argh, så jobbig sits. Men över internet och dess relativa anonymitet så kan jag säga: det här var fint skrivet. Och viktigt.

Ha det fint, och vilken go unge du har.


Pia said...

Åh, finaste Ulrika. Är så ledsen att höra detta, en massa hjärtan bara hit eftersom jag inga kloka ord har. Med ett barn efter en horror graviditet samt en bråkande sköldskörtel som gör att jag aldrig vet om framtiden kommer ge oss mer barn, läste jag detta med sorg, hopp och respekt. Så fint att lyfter fram detta här, modigt och vettigt likaså. Och grattis till bloggen, den har gett mog så mycket, både i fina oxh sämre stunder. Virtuell kram (fast jag inte känner dig) och p.s, fin jacka på Dag ;)

KathrynH said...

So so sorry to hear about your second miscarriage. Like you I had a healthy toddler when I experienced two successive miscarriages ( the first one was a so called missed miscarriage. It happened at 12 and a half weeks but the foetus had actually stopped growing long before that). I found both miscarriages devastating although I actually found the first one harder to deal with. The events changed my life and made me re-assess my work situation and I even saw a counsellor for a while. Anyway fast forward eight years later and I now have three healthy girls. The next two pregnancies were fine, even though the third one was a happy surprise. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this situation (at the time I didn't know anyone who'd had two miscarriages) and there's always hope.

Amiechan said...

Tack för att du talar om dina missfall. <3 Jag har gått igenom fyra egna (vet du hur konstigt det känns att läsa i journalen att jag var gravid för sjätte gången nu senast när jag födde?) och min första graviditet fick min mamma veta om när jag ringde och berättade att jag ville ha skjuts till sjukhuset eftersom jag trodde jag fått missfall... Det finns roligare sätt att berätta!
Nu har jag fått två barn och det känns länge sedan, men jag brukar passa på när tillfälle finns att prata om missfall. Om jag kan göra det lättare för någon i framtiden genom att avdramatisera hemligheten (inte det som skett, men just det hemliga och ensamma i att få missfall!) så har jag gjort något gott.

Anonymous said...

Sending heartfelt hugs from Scotland. I've read your blog for a while and I was just thinking how amazing your life appears in your blog. And then to read of your loss, I can't imagine the pain you feel. Thank you for sharing. Hug your son a little tighter this evening.